"Real Men Don’t LOL"

I.B. BlackmanI.B. Blackman Posts: 3,127 ✭✭✭✭✭
edited May 2012 in For The Grown & Sexy
Lonely bitches on Twitter Say:

A) I’m Bored
B) Somebody come cuddle
C) I’m feeling extra horny tonight

Corny niggas on Twitter Respond:

A) Sup Ma, what you doing (obviously nothing you idiot, she’s bored)
B) I’m on my way sexy (You’re the 27th person to write that)
C) DM: Hey (You DM after a horny tweet and the best you can conjure is “Hey”?)

Corny niggas disgust me....

What happened to real men? The dudes from the block who use to call me over to their ‘lac and tell the chick they had in the front seat to “show lil man your pussy” those guys were G’s. They talked reckless, always had some slick advice, and never bragged about eating ass and pussy. Those guys were fucking cowboys. I’m sure every hood had those dudes, not just mine. But look around– why are all of these bitch niggas flooding the malls, clubs, and social networks of America. It feels as if the only real men left in this world are Me, Charlie Sheen, and Missy Elliot. Last week I saw this black girl walk out of the Roosevelt hotel screaming at this big linebacker looking dude calling him all kinds of bitches, and then told him to catch a cab because she’s taking the car. His big ass kept apologizing, and eventually walked to the cab stand. That’s G! You girls are harder than most men today. Your pussy power has hit Super Saiyan level 3. You have managed to turn these men into wimps who will bend to your every need. I predict by 2081 men will be the ones sitting down to pee, we’ve lost our edge, guys coming up today have become way too nice, way too sugary, and I blame the internet, text messaging, and a lack of strong male mentors.


I was with my boy a few weeks back and he’s swerving on the road, his eyes on his phone. I’m thinking dude has a board on Angry Birds that he just won’t give up on. He tells me, “Man, I’m having an argument with this chick.” Hold up. An argument over text message? We’ll come back to that. Anyway he’s swerving, risking my life, so I need to know what’s going on. This girl who he’s been feeling was supposed to meet up with him to go out. She’s use to him coming to her crib which is all the way in south LA; he lives in the deep valley. So he’s like, “Come out my way, there are nicer places to go”. She’s like, “What are we going to do”. He’s like does it matter? She didn’t like that. She gave him the runaround, so he’s hanging with me by default. He’s telling me how girls always want to have control and he can’t stand women because all of them are fake. You know, typical shit men say when a girl’s mind fucking them. Finally he’s says, “hold up, I’m going to call her”. He calls… does anyone want to guess what happens next? She didn’t answer. She cranked that ignore button with the quickness because the Voicemail came right on. I’m thinking he’s about to lay into this girl via voicemail. Nope. He leaves a nice, calm, composed message. Calls her “miss” and says “thank you” at the end of the message. Where did the anger go? He goes back to venting to me about how he’s been down her way 10 separate times and she’s never been to his place… 10 times and she hasn’t seen your bedroom? Scientist refer to that as failing most epically.

That’s one of my really good friends so imagine how that hurts me inside to see him act this way. If Winston Churchill were alive he would describe us very eloquently as, “A nation of pussies”. Niggas are out here giving out foot rubs and texting “good morning beautiful” to chicks who laugh at them. You’re not smooth, you’re a daily punchline. When girls say, “Why don’t the guys I like, treat me like the guys I’m not interested in” guess which category you fall in?


- You always call her first
- She only invites you out on group dates
- You hit “like” on every one of her FaceBook pictures
- She says “you talk too much”, and your response is to shut up
- You RT every lame ass motivational tweet she writes
- You check your phone every 30 secs to see if she texted back
- You spend more time chauffeuring her then under her sheets

I’m not saying be mean to girls, I’m suggesting that you stop being afraid to speak up! Girls love a man who can keep up with them. Telling her how pretty she is and doing everything she asks you to do will not turn her on. You can’t nice guy those panties off. “Girl he pulled my chair out, I’m going to suck the skin off his gentlemanly dick” It doesn’t work that way jabroni. Women need to be challenged and stimulated (not slapped 49ers). If she catches an attitude, don’t kiss more ass, tell her she’s being a bitch. You joke me, I’m going to joke you better. You want to go bowling, fuck that we’re going to the movies. You text me on some attention shit, I’m not texting you back. Go join the rest of the lonely chicks who tweet, “he still hasn’t texted me back, I hate men”. You are a man! We don’t compromise!

Please stop letting technology devolve your Manhood! Real men don’t argue via text messages. Pick up the phone; scream with your voice, not all CAPS. Real men don’t type LOL. If it seems as if I’m getting smart in my text—maybe I am, take the stick out of your ass and call me if you can’t figure out if I was joking or not, I’m not laughing out loud when I say, “then stay your ass home if your hair’s not done”. Real men don’t have “twitter crushes” or “twitter wives”. Stop being creepy role playing guy and go get some real ass, last time I checked there was no twitter pussy app for android, you’re not judged on how bad your “Twifey” is …if that were the case I would have already called dibbs on @nobitchnotever. Dear bitch nigga, Facebook Chat is not a date. Don’t tell me your boo is a bitch who lives five states away with 793 friends who also “LIKE” the fact that she’s “Sick of people at work”. You don’t know that girl! If you can’t even be witty on a “wall post” how can you brag that you have swag in real life? YOU ARE A FUCKING CLOWN. Fellas it’s time to man the hell up when you take girls out. I’m a firm believer in being yourself. If I was on a first date, I’m not going to walk on egg shells and say things she wants to hear in hopes that she will have sex with me. I am who I am, and if you don’t want my penis inside you because I think dolphins are gay and I laugh at the handicap, then it’s on to the next woman smart enough not to ask my opinions on those topics. It’s not about being street or hard. You can be sensitive and caring and still keep your balls —pause– no LOL.

For my ladies, I’ll say this—enjoy it. Do you realize how lucky you are that no matter how you look you can have a guy “yes” you more times than a Slave Master? You can not be a girl whose attention starved in this day and age. There are millions of men ready to kiss your ass at the stroke of a key. You don’t believe me, I triple dog dare you to log onto your Facebook and write, “Inbox me if you want to take me out tonight” and watch the bitch boys stampede. He’s not a bitch because he wants to take you out, he’s a bitch because he’s been i-stalking you since 2008 and this is the first time he’s said a thing. Real life is just as easy. The next time you’re on a date with a potential suitor, give him the “bitch boy test”. Act as if you don’t like the food he orders, and demand that he get something he can share with you. 9 out of 10 guys will quickly return that thug ass steak for that soft ass glazed salmon. Why? Because they don’t want to rock the boat. Ladies how many guys have you said, “I can’t stand him, he’s so rude” to, then turned around and had sex with him down the line? Now cross reference that with the guys you’ve said, “He’s so sweet” to and had sex with. The numbers don’t lie. Nice guys cum finish last and usually by themselves....


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