WTF! How the Hell Did Zimbabwe End Up with Just $217 in the Bank?

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Last week, the Zimbabwean government announced that after paying public workers’ salaries, its bank balance is sitting at a pitiful $217. TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DOLLARS. I once found $200 on the floor of a gas station. If I'd known that made me richer than a country, I wouldn't have been so bummed about having to spend it all on tax debts.

The information came from Finance Minister Tendai Biti who—as far as politicians in Zimbabwe go—is about as honest as it gets. Biti is the secretary general of the MDC party—the good guys who’ve spent their entire existence being hurled off the edges of cliffs and dangled from helicopters by Robert Mugabe’s ZANU-PF. Back in 2008, their party leader, Morgan Tsvangirai, made a deal with the devil and agreed to share power with Mugabe. As Zimbabwe's new finance minister, poor Biti was dropped right in the steaming pile of shit that continues to double as the country's bank vault.



I bet he’s wishing now that they still had Zimbabwe dollars, because that pathetic balance would look a whole lot more impressive with a thousand pointless zeros hanging off the end. Plus, it would be increasing by the hour. The haters said that Zimbabwe’s 231 million percent inflation rate and hundred trillion dollar notes were turning the country into a laughing stock. And they were right, but it's probably better to have everyone laughing at you than to realize your government couldn't afford to take you out on a date to an expensive restaurant.

Here’s a little list of all the crazy wastage and embezzlement that’s catapulted Mugabe’s darling nation into the realm of how-the-fuck-did-this-even-happen.

BLOOD DIAMONDS
A few years ago, diamonds were discovered in the Marange area of Zimbabwe. Obviously, a big possession-war broke out, and there were scandals and slaves and tortures and murders, but what’s in the past has passed. The important thing is that last year Zim’s diamond trade topped $680 million. This was despite trade sanctions that were imposed on Zimbabwe by just about every country in the world.

However, of the $600 million the government expected from the diamond trade, less that $40 million actually found its way to the central purse. No one can say for sure exactly where the rest of it disappeared to, but somehow Zimbabwe’s bank balance currently sits at a value of about one single 0.25-carat diamond.

MUGABE’S A BALLER
While the Zimbabwean people drown in poverty, their president lives like Gatsby. Mugabe’s motorcade alone is compiled of about ten outrider motorbikes, ambulances, police cars, and armed military vehicles, and they're all bursting with the bloodthirsty North Korean-trained Red Berets. Behind them hides Mugabe, his luxury limo protected by a diamond of bomb-proof, bullet-proof, everything-proof black cars. And you best pull off the road when you hear it coming, because Thou Shalt Not Drive on The Same Road as His Excellency, or you're liable to find yourself arrested or smashed straight through and burned to death.

Sometimes even the people in Mugabe's motorcade aren't safe—one of the motorbike riders from his escort died last year after colliding with a homeless man.


One of the motorbike riders in Mugabe's motorcade died last year

NO MORE FARMERS
The first thing Mugabe did when he started his transformation from weary freedom fighter to industrious cunt was kick all the capable farmers off their land. His strategy was to take the land back from the British (white farmers) and redistribute it to the Zimbabwean peasants. By peasants, he clearly meant friends, family, other corrupt ministers, and, of course, their friends and family. Mugabe himself owns 39 of these farms.

The problem with this, other than the obvious, is that the people who now own the farms don’t actually know how to farm. So the land that once flourished with tobacco, maize, and livestock has lain barren for years. The "bread basket of Africa" is essentially empty, which means it cannot even feed its own people, let alone fuel exports. Now Zimbabwe has to pay for the food it once picked from its own gardens, and obviously it can’t afford to do that.

BEATING PEOPLE UP IS EXPENSIVE
Zimbabwe is due to have elections at the end of March, but this new predicament means it can’t actually fund them. Ironically, it's begging the international community for the $192 million it’s going to cost to hold them. Mugabe hates the "colonial West" (especially you, America!), but now he’s more than happy to hold out his hands and beg.

It’s hard to know whether this determination to eventually hold “free and fair harmonious elections” is a good or bad thing. The people of Zimbabwe are desperate for elections—regardless of how much blood will be spilt this time—because they are literally dying to get Mugabe out.

Although, having said that, Mugabe has just adjusted the constitution to further suit his selfishness. This means that if he wins the elections (and let’s be honest, he has years of vote rigging in his favor) then he will be able to smother Zimbabwe for another decade. In which case, he better have big plans for that $217.

I should buy them.
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Replies

  • bignorm wrote: »
    Yall do recognize that a government with a balance of $217 >> A government with a $13 trillion defecit right?

    False.
    twatgettablackgod813amenhotepiv
  • G.AvantG.Avant Mr. superthug og godbody kick ass karate pimpin magically enlightened nigga Jack n' Kill, FlawdaPosts: 3,956 ✭✭✭✭✭
    this shit cant be real man....nah I don't believe it
    amenhotepiv
  • JokerKingJokerKing Вони виявили, Ваш номер STATION в рамках цієї спільноти! Watching Jimmy Fallon With Barbara GordonPosts: 27,661 Regulator
    They gonna ask china for a break too. China gonna tell them niggas they ain't got it
    MeesterYoung Stef
  • They gonna ask china for a break too. China gonna tell them niggas they ain't got it

    Other than taking over They wouldn't be worth China's time.
    But China is slowly creeping into Africa though. Even wifing up the women too.
  • NO MORE FARMERS
    The first thing Mugabe did when he started his transformation from weary freedom fighter to industrious cunt was kick all the capable farmers off their land. His strategy was to take the land back from the British (white farmers) and redistribute it to the Zimbabwean peasants. By peasants, he clearly meant friends, family, other corrupt ministers, and, of course, their friends and family. Mugabe himself owns 39 of these farms.

    The problem with this, other than the obvious, is that the people who now own the farms don’t actually know how to farm. So the land that once flourished with tobacco, maize, and livestock has lain barren for years. The "bread basket of Africa" is essentially empty, which means it cannot even feed its own people, let alone fuel exports. Now Zimbabwe has to pay for the food it once picked from its own gardens, and obviously it can’t afford to do that.

    This is just fucking stupid!
    mike06
  • hueyhuey Posts: 10,004 ✭✭✭✭✭
    No surprise to me, this is what you get with a crazy ass leader
  • Jay-z or Birdman should buy them.

    The New Black Panther Party should buy them. Lol j/k
  • aka_OGaka_OG Posts: 1,671 ✭✭✭✭✭
  • Tommy_MilfhittaTommy_Milfhitta Posts: 1,608 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Wat a travesty. But to be honest that fuckboi Robert Mugabe single-handedly tipped a nation, which once flourished, into the deepest pit of misery and despair.

    The way I see things....that fuckboii will get assassinated soon nd then some country will invade them and recruit rebels and topple the government. Once the war for power is over after a decade or so... Zimbabwe will be under rule of another country.

    Yours truly

    Prophet Tommy_Milfhitta
  • Recaptimus_Prime360Recaptimus_Prime360 Earned my Masters and Ph.d in Phat Booty-ology Posts: 43,090 ✭✭✭✭✭
    I know what I buying wit my next pay check.
    mike06Young GunnerMeesterStoneColdMikey
  • JokerKingJokerKing Вони виявили, Ваш номер STATION в рамках цієї спільноти! Watching Jimmy Fallon With Barbara GordonPosts: 27,661 Regulator
    They better not go to war. Can't even gas up one tank
    MeesterBlackAX410Young StefStoneColdMikey
  • Tommy_MilfhittaTommy_Milfhitta Posts: 1,608 ✭✭✭✭✭
    They better not go to war. Can't even gas up one tank

    Thats y I say they are vulnerable ryt now. I'm sure me nd my goons hv enuf personal resources OURSELVES to fund a war against Zimbabwe. Fuck it...I make $217 within 2 dayz b, nd dats wat the government has in da bank? Fuck outta here...

    If any country wanted to invade, this is the Golden opportunity
    FlightKing
  • Karl.Karl. Posts: 5,127 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Spent too much money on Christmas presents.
    bubbaclotmike06Young StefStoneColdMikey
  • Karl.Karl. Posts: 5,127 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Amazing how Mugabe is still in power.
    hueyLady_Zee
  • Mr.LVMr.LV Posts: 9,808 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Down right corruption they was talking about this last Sunday on CNN.
  • Karl. wrote: »
    Amazing how Mugabe is still in power.

    I know right. Like who would work security for him?

  • JokerKingJokerKing Вони виявили, Ваш номер STATION в рамках цієї спільноти! Watching Jimmy Fallon With Barbara GordonPosts: 27,661 Regulator
    bubbaclot wrote: »
    Karl. wrote: »
    Amazing how Mugabe is still in power.

    I know right. Like who would work security for him?

    How is he paying his security?
  • Cause all them chubby mutha fukkas are greedy.
  • mugabe-hip-hop.jpg
    However, if we should decide to dig a bit deeper, we may remember a few months ago, Uncle Bob blew close to half a million bucks on his birthday party. Around the same time, the Chinese offered a US$3 billion cash injection, along with the job opportunities created in order to control the country’s Platinum mines. A much needed monetary offering, however it is clearly a bit of a lowball offer. The Platinum in those mines is worth quite a bit more than 3 billion. The problem is that it’s not getting out of those mines fast enough, nor is it being exported at fair rates. The problems is not that Shop Zimbabwe is closed, it’s that nobody will buy from the shopkeeper.

    We need our own resources. Wait
    Michael_Malice
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 6,385
    bubbaclot wrote: »
    mugabe-hip-hop.jpg
    However, if we should decide to dig a bit deeper, we may remember a few months ago, Uncle Bob blew close to half a million bucks on his birthday party. Around the same time, the Chinese offered a US$3 billion cash injection, along with the job opportunities created in order to control the country’s Platinum mines. A much needed monetary offering, however it is clearly a bit of a lowball offer. The Platinum in those mines is worth quite a bit more than 3 billion. The problem is that it’s not getting out of those mines fast enough, nor is it being exported at fair rates. The problems is not that Shop Zimbabwe is closed, it’s that nobody will buy from the shopkeeper.

    We need our own resources. Wait

    China's president pledged $20 billion in loans to Africa, doubling the amount Beijing agreed to give Africa three years ago at the same forum.

    "Dr. Mutambara is of the opinion, China is not meddling. He advised, 'China is moving. We need to do well by ourselves, to fix our economies, be successful'. Nations are not driven by altruism; nations are not driven by Charity. We have natural resources in Africa - we have oil in Ghana'.

    Adding, “Africa must come to the table not for charity, but for economics. We must work together. He stressed “Ghana must not be cutting deals with Europe on her own”

    At the end of the day, Africans must learn to manage the new relationship with China rather than seeing it as an "invasion".


    amenhotepiv
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