This is my first song i wrote∧sang.I know some y'all honest2a fault,so, cool.Opinionswelcome

luke1733luke1733 Posts: 1,397 ✭✭✭✭
edited November 2013 in Roc Tha Mic
The song is about a 10 year old kid killing his father because he is tired of seeing his father beat his mother [scars] and seeing her attempt suicide [with razorblaes] and nobody coming to help. He's recognized his father's routine and decides he's had enough scars.
Let me know what you think please? What works whatdon't.
I ain't no singer and I just started writing songs b/c all my poetry is in rhythm form, so that's pretty much it.
I just wanna know how this song makes people feel and if it's understood, if anything is different about it, who it reminds you of, if it sounds good. The video has already been shot, since I like to produce short films. The video shows the relationship of a kid, mother and father.

[This is a song and video I wrote a few years ago]

Scars and Razorblades

After you take away the red cloth in his hand
after you clean the same pool of color from his head
After they've closed the hole opened in his head
There in the hallway
you see there stands the kid.
After you've seen the trauma and verbal abuse

After you've heard apologies weened into excuse
After you've slept in fear at 8 years old
After you've learned not 2 believe everything told
After the nightmares become mirrors of reality
After you've learned the road is paved but by a fee
After you've seen him sit and watch only t.v.
After he cleans his gun he leaves it to the right, under his seat.
There is the beer he spilled,
but it's still you he beats.
(You're)Locked in closets
and learned to throw away the key,
Don't care to be found
cause-"ain't nobody looking for me."
I have seen this man
who works himself crazy–
Red eyes violent hands.
Lies about why he bleeds.
Scars and Razorblades he put on Mommy.
He did push you down when you tried to make him stop.
You ran to the phone bleeding; called the cops.
They don't come around.
"Help my Mom! She's on her knees! With blood all on her mouth!"
She bows to daddy.
Her head goes back and forth as his pleasure is peaked.
The lights flick on and off.
Her cry becomes a cough.

Kid gets on his feet.
He runs back to the seat.
He holds it in his hand
[Two of 6 eyes lose focus]
Scars and razorblades
These are the games we play
I want this pain to stay.
I want you to feel the same
scars and razorblades.
take me on and take me on with you
take me on away
take me on and take me on with you
Take me on awaaaaaaaaaaaaay.


[razorblades fall out his father's pocket as 2 of six eyes lose focus for good or bad. The mother runs to the kid and holds him as he drops the gun. The kid reaches down and grabs the dishcloth stained red with the father's blood.]
Click the song below to hear bad quality:

Replies

  • Busta Carmichael Busta Carmichael IC Hall Of Famer, LOT Posts: 10,608 Regulator
    ups is hiring my nigga

    i'm not even being an asshole, this shit was woat
    grouchygregRickyRichR2_163x the unknown
  • grouchygreggrouchygreg Founder/AllHipHop.com Posts: 139 My Name Is My Name.
  • luke1733luke1733 Posts: 1,397 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November 2013
    This song sucks! Get it off, please delete this thread. Oh yeah, I did the music instruments too, or at least some of them I composed (did not play them).
  • Busta Carmichael Busta Carmichael IC Hall Of Famer, LOT Posts: 10,608 Regulator
    @grouchygreg

    can you put back the old reaction system? the new one sucks
  • mixtapedudemixtapedude Posts: 154 ✭✭
    my nigga taco bell got job opening
    luke1733
  • luke1733luke1733 Posts: 1,397 ✭✭✭✭
    yeah yeah somebody already used that on here with ups.
  • SneakDZASneakDZA damn, am I a sinner? Posts: 10,804 ✭✭✭✭✭
    I heard UPS is actually laying people off so I don't even know what to tell you.
    Busta Carmichael Lurkristocrat
  • SneakDZASneakDZA damn, am I a sinner? Posts: 10,804 ✭✭✭✭✭
    ooooh shit. i didn't see the soundcloud link before.

    i'm dead.
  • indyman87indyman87 Posts: 1,130 ✭✭✭✭
    It takes you to a dark place.
    luke1733SneakDZA
  • luke1733luke1733 Posts: 1,397 ✭✭✭✭
    indyman87 wrote: »
    It takes you to a dark place.
    thanks for reading or listening and commenting. I can take insults as you see from above, but it helps just to hear criticism that is critical of the art and doesn't read like some of the comments above that make me doubt they read the whole thing or listened to the music I wrote, sung and performed. I know my vocals ain't nothing at all, but for someone who never touched music and has a job waaaay different than entertainment I felt it was okay for somebody like that for my first song and that's why I produced it. Some folk act like I'm saying I am a singer or trying to kill the music industry. I'm just a dude who tried something and put effort in it because sometimes I do hear songs and poetry in my head----the same way I'm sure plenty folk do.
  • Aquafina..floeAquafina..floe queen of all queens cooking sunday dinner in a fresh leotardPosts: 3,990 ✭✭✭✭✭
    ok let me start off by saying DO NOT LISTEN TO THE ABOVE POSTERS they are nothing but lame wannabe funny jumping on the bandwagon always trying to crack a fuckin joke towards somebody but are really some pussy ass niggas in real life that get punked on a daily so they get on the internet to try and come off like they about that bully life




    second off i enjoyed the instrumental it was really nice and it seemed to match your concept...your vocals on it however were off...i could not understand a word you were saying..i could tell by the words and the beat if this was laid properly it would be a good song...i encourage you to keep up the good work..and dont let talentless people bring you down....its GOAT that you can write songs....i cant write for shit it takes me weeks on top of weeks to write a track
    luke1733
  • LUClENLUClEN Absence makes the heart grow fonder of someone else Posts: 19,781 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Don't listen to aquafina

    she's fat
  • goldenjagoldenja Posts: 6,077 ✭✭✭✭✭
    I listened to it........

    I can see you can write.. But you need to work on your vocals, it's not good
  • luke1733luke1733 Posts: 1,397 ✭✭✭✭
    Cool. That's helpful. Thanks and will do or maybe go to a studio instead of having no microphone and singing to the track I laid....or I could let someone else sing it. Thanks tho for the criticism
    goldenja
  • alissowackalissowack Posts: 1,928 ✭✭✭
    I was really thrown off by the production (only because I didn't read the warning) which made it hard for me to follow the song.

    I use to write poetry and I found out it is totally different from writing songs. I found that you kind have to keep it simple. It's like the imagery is more in the melody than the lyrics themselves so you have to build your lyrics that way. I'm glad you cleared up that you can't sing, though.
  • x the unknownx the unknown Posts: 1,795 ✭✭✭✭✭
    ups is hiring my nigga

    i'm not even being an asshole, this shit was woat

    lmao :o oh shit ether yo ass lmao oh shit that shit mad funny aint no coming back from that ether aye
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