It was the first Mario game I played, so maybe I didn't understand it.I had Mario 64.
It was a terrible experience.
I fucked with all of the FPSs on N64, PS1, and PS2 though.
Then, one glorious day, I played an FPS on a PC and my eyes were opened.
You're such American gamer and it's not even funny.
CRACK, CoD, Halo, and etc are as well.
What was wrong with Mario 64? It's one of the G.O.A.T.
From what I know, the princess was kidnapped by a giant turtle. A giant turtle with spikes and fire breath.
Okay. I get that.
But, where the fuck is her kingdom? She's a princess right? Why didn't Mario alert the authorities?
This nigga is a gotdayum plumber. What the fuck is he doing?
Had he died or gotten kidnapped, no one would know what happened.
What are Bowser's demands? Is he trying to fuck her? Is there a deadline? What's his endgame here?
Her castle is basically unguarded. Summon the cavalry, storm the building, and rescue that bitch. Simple.
Why the fuck is a plumber the best nigga for the job? This nigga isn't John McClane.
But Gold_Certificate...The stars. Mario has to find the stars to release the princess.
Man, FUCK THE STARS. This nigga is a gotdayum plumber.
Shit makes no sense. What kind of dumbass sets up a castle that way in the first place?
"Now lets install some stars inside of magical pictures in the walls that can be used against you by anyone who gets them."
WHY?? Why the fuck would you do something like that?
"But don't worry Princess Peach. We'll guard the castle with a few harmless mushrooms."
Nooooo. That's a horrible idea. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Then you get inside of the castle and it's pristine as fuck. The door is intact, no blood, no scratches on the walls.
No signs of a forced entry or a struggle anywhere.
And to top it all off. This nigga is a gotdayum plumber and there is a motherfucking mushroom nigga standing at the door.
Bruh...You really just let this shit go down? You watched as the princess was kidnapped by a rogue reptile and his minions?
What the fuck is Peach paying you for? You disgust me. I don't even like mushrooms on my pizza. Fuck you.
I didn't bother playing through all of that bullshit. I'm sure Mario was handsomely rewarded for his efforts.
Oh wait:Spoiler:He wasn't.
I'm not even going to speak on the voyeur floating turtles. This nigga was a gotdayum plumber.
Game Score: 0/10, would not mention while talking about my childhood.