This is the ultimate letter L. And it's a long one. if you have a text-to-speech program, use it now.
Back in 2005, my mother bought a brand new Nissan Altima. it was dark blue, 2.5 with hubcaps. But the selling point was this thing was brand spanking new. My mom went out of town for a weekend and I just coincidentally popped up at moms house with my refund check from college. So here I am with a brand new car, and about $800 cash in my pocket.
I'm riding around in the hood hood hood part of North Charleston. Let me give you a Google Maps screenshot of how trifling this place is.
^^^ notice the unattended child. Anyway
I pull up to the Habibi store and there's two women talking in the only available parking space. I signal my hand and even smile, they smile back and move out the way. remind you, I'm in a brand new car with a nice knot in my pocket so my swag is on a hundred billion fafillion.
I get back from the store and one of the girls, the sexy one, says "hey nice car. where you headed?"
we get to talking and I tell her I'm trying to get some weed. She says she has a venue as long as I can blow one with her. Luckily I already had a blunt in the stash, & I blew one with her on the way to the "venue." we get to her house, listen to some music, I blew her a shotgun, she kisses me and then we fuck.
I put on my belt and say, "but hold on! What about the herb?" She says "how much you trying to get? I can get you an 8th for 60, I can get you an O for a hundred..."
Like an idiot with crispy hundred dollar bills in my pocket, I said let me get the O. She asks me if I like to 'party.' I say no because it probably ment the chokechain.
Suddenly, her friend from the corner store appears out of nowhere. she gives her a look like let's roll, and I somehow ended up back in my car with these two bitches and we go up the street.
The friend returns from some Trap House and she is empty handed. I look towards her in the backseat and I say "you got the herb?" She says "what herb?" Shorty in the front seat is like, "no that's not the mission she on. Don't worry about that. She came here on another mission."
.... I'm thinking, what the fuck did we come here for? shorty says stop at the corner store. They going the store and I'm thinking about dipping on this bitch. But I can't cuz one of them got a hundred dollars of mine in her pocket!
They come out of the store and overlook some old lady in a long red dress. This bitch look like a real life twizzler, or one long string of beef jerky. shorty looks at the old bitch and says, "hey you straight?" I'm looking at them and it looks like they're doing a transaction... A drug transaction! And I don't think it's marijuana!
Now, all THREE of these bitches are in my car. A putrid smell of wet diapers and death filled the new car. I didn't say anything because I swear to God I couldn't breathe. This is the first time I ever roll the windows down and hit the air conditioning at the same time. we get back to the original Trap House and the old hag disappears. I saw shorty come back in the car with some money in her hands.
Later, she's like let's go back to the second trap house that we was that. I get in there and I was honestly scared for my life. I have never been in a trap house before, not like this one. savages. Cutthroat. there was nothing in this house except for a couch.
... and niggas.
Me and Shorty go in the back, back back, back back back room. On the walk there I'm thinking I'm going to get popped buy one of these niggas. we actually end up having sex again, but this time she seemed like a demon possessed her. No lie, I think this bitch snorted a line before she jumped my bones. Plus this ain't the Hilton. we fucked on a mattress, no head board. no sheets. In a room with no posters and the window is covered by towels.
We leave the back back back room and get into the living room. The most menacing nigga in the trap looks at me and says, " Is this yours?" He's got a small bag of a white substance. I look at him and say, "Oh, Hell no!" Shorty grabs it out of his hand and says, "no that's not his mission. That's my mission right there."
In my mind I'm thinking, yo I need a ounce of something right fucking now. but logically, I'm in a drug house surrounded by niggas who do not know me. She looks to me and says, "the Weed Man is going to come around in about 2 hours from now. come back around at 8." Fuck dat. I say, "why don't I just chill here till he comes."
0 grams of marijuana
Finally, somebody lights up a blunt and I am in position for rotation. I reach for the blunt and one of these niggas says, "you know what that is?" I pass that shit to the next man so quick. then I said "is that, boont?" (crack laced weed) these niggas is gone off that white! now I have to balance out if this 100 dollars is worth me risking life and freedom.
Its way past 8 o'clock now, but short says, "you ready to get this weed? I have to drive though, because this area is fucked up in there trust me if I'm driving." any logical nigga would have said no! my dumbass let's this bitch drive my mother's brand new car.
All of a sudden, she's less and less sexy and more and more thug-like. Damn near Dyke status. If I'm lying I'm flying, this bitch did two more drug "missions" between North Charleston and downtown.
It's raining and she is driving erratically. she almost vears off in the left lane so I grab the steering wheel and jerk her back to the right. Don't you know this bitch pulled over, parked, and punched me in my arm twice.
"you know who you fuckin wit, nigga? Don't do that shit to me! I can drive!"
I'm praying to the Lord please let this night be over. I don't even want the hundred dollars anymore. I just want to go home, to my family.
She pulls over to a gas station because I'm finally on E. "Hey, can you put some gas in this tank?" I say, where's that hundred dollars? "oh, that's gone. Lol."
Now my plan is to get her to go in the store and pay for the gas. I'll just smash out and leave this dyke here. Wrong! She instructs me to pay while she pumps. Now I've had women run scams on me, and even robbed me. I've never been kidnapped by a bitch.
I sit in the passenger seat and she sits down awkward as fuck. She pulls out a brandished pistol covered in a white bath cloth. "What you know about dis life, nigga?"
Oh shit, this bitch got a gun...
... and I donno NOTHING about this life.
Now we're in downtown headed to get the "weed" so to speak. It's fucking 11:45 at night. she's driving down this street that she thought was a two-lane, but it was actually a one lane. A white truck in front of us was making a right turn, but this knucklehead gets to the right of that white truck trying to pass it. all I remember hearing is,
We hit a new Chevy Tahoe FULL of white people. I swear to god this bitch took off like Gabby Douglas... from MY side!
I called for a tow truck and then later discovered every single dollar that was in my wallet magically disappeared.