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My Headphones

RuffDraft
RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
edited July 2011 in Waiting To Exhale
My headphones…

Divide the past from the future
My puncture of present culture
My peaceful escape and enclosure
I'm an individual seeking closure

Music is an endless present
Measured in kilobits per second
Three hundred and twenty bits of bliss
Fix that which resides from what I miss

The bounce carries my pain
The rhyme cancers my memory
The sound controls my soul
The goal: to fulfill me whole

My headphones…

sennheiser-hd650-front.jpg

Wrote this whilst listening to Redman, started off just rhyming and making stuff up for a page or so and then realised I could probably make a more serious piece...

Not really sure how much I nailed this one as it could come off as too 'rhyme-y' and maybe doesn't add up in the first verse to another person reading it... let me know what you think though...

Trying to write concise rhymes that are structured is tough and I wouldn't blame someone for labelling this piece as cheesy lol.

Comments

  • Azekiel-Horizon
    Azekiel-Horizon Members Posts: 12
    edited June 2011
    The imagery that you portrayed in this piece is what gave me that serious vibe that you were speaking about. I believe lines like this :

    Music is an endless present
    Measured in kilobits per second
    Three hundred and twenty bits of bliss
    Fix that which resides from what I miss

    is what appealed to me the most in this poem and because of such imagery it doesn't come off as cheesy. Nice piece, keep dropping poetic gems like this one
  • stupot0607
    stupot0607 Members Posts: 1,914 ✭✭✭
    edited June 2011
    Nice Drop Draft, its got a nice theme & feel to it.

    Was suprised to find you wrote this listening to Redman, being a serious piece haha, im suprised it isnt like "if you find a bag of weed on the floor 🤬 , what the 🤬 you gonna do, pick it up, pick it up"
  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    edited June 2011
    The imagery that you portrayed in this piece is what gave me that serious vibe that you were speaking about. I believe lines like this :

    Music is an endless present
    Measured in kilobits per second
    Three hundred and twenty bits of bliss
    Fix that which resides from what I miss

    is what appealed to me the most in this poem and because of such imagery it doesn't come off as cheesy. Nice piece, keep dropping poetic gems like this one

    Thanks... I did like the measured in kilobits per second line too... this is one of my lighter poems though, most are just plain depressing lol. Thanks for the feedback though, appreciate it... and glad that it hasn't come off as cheesy :tu
    stupot0607 wrote: »
    Nice Drop Draft, its got a nice theme & feel to it.

    Was suprised to find you wrote this listening to Redman, being a serious piece haha, im suprised it isnt like "if you find a bag of weed on the floor 🤬 , what the 🤬 you gonna do, pick it up, pick it up"

    hahahahaha it was like that initially and then I started to just listen to the beat and bounce around with rhymes, but I basically played Redman to remove my thoughts, which is really what the piece is about...

    Ridding your thoughts and replacing them with music, it's like a coping mechanism, so my headphones bring me peace and control my thoughts. They take all that's around me and shut it off... that's why it's an escape but also an enclosure.

    Props on the feedback :tu
  • Tupacfan
    Tupacfan Members, Moderators Posts: 2,428 Regulator
    edited June 2011
    Dizzzam! I'm MAD jealous!

    this 🤬 was dope Ruff! hella dope!!!

    the rhymes is def there.. so yea keep spitting that poetic 🤬 fam..


    thanks for sharing, cause ya'll is really inspiring and motivating me to write!

    peace!
  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    edited June 2011
    tupacfan wrote: »
    Dizzzam! I'm MAD jealous!

    this 🤬 was dope Ruff! hella dope!!!

    the rhymes is def there.. so yea keep spitting that poetic 🤬 fam..


    thanks for sharing, cause ya'll is really inspiring and motivating me to write!

    peace!

    Thanks tupacfan :) Means a lot coming from you, so I appreciate it... I wasn't so sure on the piece at first, but you've all given me faith lol.
  • Tupacfan
    Tupacfan Members, Moderators Posts: 2,428 Regulator
    edited June 2011
    RuffDraft wrote: »
    Thanks tupacfan :) Means a lot coming from you, so I appreciate it... I wasn't so sure on the piece at first, but you've all given me faith lol.

    your welcome RD! If i can motivate you to write, my job is DONE, ha.. fa real though, i'm glad your keeping this place alive, among st a few others as well.. and if wasn't you sharing your creativity with us, I would have nothing to read or be inspired by.. so thanks to you!

    now get to writing lol.. class resumes ha.
  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    edited June 2011
    tupacfan wrote: »
    your welcome RD! If i can motivate you to write, my job is DONE, ha.. fa real though, i'm glad your keeping this place alive, among st a few others as well.. and if wasn't you sharing your creativity with us, I would have nothing to read or be inspired by.. so thanks to you!

    now get to writing lol.. class resumes ha.

    haha I'm the teacher, I'll tell you when the class starts (LOL/I joke!)

    Nah, you've held this place down for years, I only go through certain periods of writing rhymes... to you it's a whole part of you and your life.

    Keep posting, we appreciate it.... and thanks for your feedback again, without feedback, the need to share seems pointless. I am being more creative recently, just a shame my job takes over my life. I'll be posting more poems in the summer I imagine.... keep posting tupacfan and keeping your ever present positive view on life... as always, refreshing.
  • Yummy.Lix
    Yummy.Lix Members Posts: 1,398
    edited July 2011
    I love it.In some strange way I can relate to it, although my passion
    isn't music. & Don't worry about it being "too rhyme-y." I don't think it was.&
    Even if it was,if you know the rules of poetry, I think it's okay to break them
    sometimes. :)
  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    edited July 2011
    Yummy.Lix wrote: »
    I love it.In some strange way I can relate to it, although my passion
    isn't music. & Don't worry about it being "too rhyme-y." I don't think it was.&
    Even if it was,if you know the rules of poetry, I think it's okay to break them
    sometimes. :)

    Thanks Yummy :)

    Appreciate you reading my poem, get back to writing stories, I for one, miss them!