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A New Case Began

stupot0607
stupot0607 Members Posts: 1,914 ✭✭✭
edited September 2011 in Waiting To Exhale
A new case began,
As the sun stared at me and sang,
The plaster tearing off my knee gripped,
While my mp3 tracks skipped,
Glare caught the edge of my eye,
As the wind played & blew softly on by,
Hopefully it could take my memories with it,
So I signalled with it to find a fit,
Searching for my deliverance,
And in this moment I found true diligence,
I can see how Buddha found his liberation,
To raise my head to the clouds formation,
Maybe this was the original prayer,
I want to sit here and talk to nature,
Bargain with 🤬 ,
Leave me with this clean slate,
And a Isolated mind state,

Stupot0607

Just a short poem, wrote this in about half an hour. Hope you Enjoy it, Thanks for reading.

Comments

  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    edited July 2011
    Maaaad props for this one again Stupot, the way you build upon the senses is crazy and the concepts that you deliver are top notch, mad props :tu

    I'd end it with:

    Leave me with this clean slate;
    An isolated mind state.

    Though, as it's one less syllable, and also a statement of how it is left, rather than an asking. I prefer it that way, but it's great how it is… couldn't fault the piece, at all.

    Listened to this whilst I read it too:
  • stupot0607
    stupot0607 Members Posts: 1,914 ✭✭✭
    edited July 2011
    RuffDraft wrote: »
    Maaaad props for this one again Stupot, the way you build upon the senses is crazy and the concepts that you deliver are top notch, mad props :tu

    I'd end it with:

    Leave me with this clean slate;
    An isolated mind state.

    Though, as it's one less syllable, and also a statement of how it is left, rather than an asking. I prefer it that way, but it's great how it is… couldn't fault the piece, at all.

    Listened to this whilst I read it too:

    Thanks for the feedback Draft, and for the advice, i agree with you it flows better like that. ill change it on my word doc i saved on my computer.

    That song is pretty awesome. When i wrote it i was listening to:

    Just downloaded Safe in the steep cliffs, i had no idea the cover was a lion. My little brother came in my room when i was writing and i showed him and he was like "that cover is amazing, you see the lion dont you" and i was like "what?" hahahaha. i just thought it was a dope cover, like a different landscape thing. haha

    cover.jpg
  • Tupacfan
    Tupacfan Members, Moderators Posts: 2,428 Regulator
    edited August 2011
    this was ill.. I really enjoyed writing this.. the mult's rhymes you engrained was dope..

    Keep up the good work..

    my favorite lines....

    A new case began,
    As the sun stared at me and sang,
    The plaster tearing off my knee gripped,
    While my mp3 tracks skipped,
    Glare caught the edge of my eye,
    As the wind played & blew softly on by,
    Hopefully it could take my memories with it,
    So I signalled with it to find a fit,
    Searching for my deliverance,
    And in this moment I found true diligence,


    them stanza'z resonated with me on a persona level..

    Again, thank you for sharing with WTE!
  • stupot0607
    stupot0607 Members Posts: 1,914 ✭✭✭
    edited August 2011
    tupacfan wrote: »
    this was ill.. I really enjoyed writing this.. the mult's rhymes you engrained was dope..

    Keep up the good work..

    my favorite lines....

    A new case began,
    As the sun stared at me and sang,
    The plaster tearing off my knee gripped,
    While my mp3 tracks skipped,
    Glare caught the edge of my eye,
    As the wind played & blew softly on by,
    Hopefully it could take my memories with it,
    So I signalled with it to find a fit,
    Searching for my deliverance,
    And in this moment I found true diligence,


    them stanza'z resonated with me on a persona level..

    Again, thank you for sharing with WTE!

    Thanks for the feedback Tupacfan,

    My favorite lines where

    "Searching for my deliverance,
    And in this moment I found true diligence,"

    Im not gonna lie i was buzzing when i wrote that, i think its definitly my personal favorite part.
  • Tupacfan
    Tupacfan Members, Moderators Posts: 2,428 Regulator
    edited August 2011
    stupot0607 wrote: »
    Thanks for the feedback Tupacfan,

    My favorite lines where

    "Searching for my deliverance,
    And in this moment I found true diligence,"

    Im not gonna lie i was buzzing when i wrote that, i think its definitly my personal favorite part.


    lol, that's like thee best time to write sometimes... yea, that part, definitley hit hard.. i mean thinking about those words, actually do have a big impact!!
  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    edited September 2011
    stupot0607 wrote: »
    Thanks for the feedback Draft, and for the advice, i agree with you it flows better like that. ill change it on my word doc i saved on my computer.

    That song is pretty awesome. When i wrote it i was listening to:

    Just downloaded Safe in the steep cliffs, i had no idea the cover was a lion. My little brother came in my room when i was writing and i showed him and he was like "that cover is amazing, you see the lion dont you" and i was like "what?" hahahaha. i just thought it was a dope cover, like a different landscape thing. haha

    Hahaha I've never seen that either!! Funny, kids see everything...