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New artist Ricco!!!

Ricco12
Ricco12 Members Posts: 2
edited June 2010 in Roc Tha Mic
Hey everyone, I am new to this and still working my 🤬 out but some constructive criticism is appreciated

Do actions speak louder than words
Cuz if they do you'd think I was crazy
But it doesn't matter cuz opinions don't phase me
Emotions leave you vulnerable
Confused so my head spins like a turntable
So I sing songz like I'm ready
Pour out my heart so I can make her my baby
Everybody tellin us what we can't be
But they can't see what I see
Life is like a movie and she has the part
Not in wonderland but she's the queen of my heart
Feelin my heart race tryin not to come in last place
She got an addictive body wish you get a taste
Not Gaye so she give me sexual healing
Ebony and ivory I guess we have mixed feelings

Comments

  • Tha Killa
    Tha Killa Members Posts: 4,451 ✭✭✭
    edited June 2010
    Ricco12 wrote: »
    Hey everyone, I am new to this and still working my 🤬 out but some constructive criticism is appreciated

    Do actions speak louder than words
    Cuz if they do you'd think I was crazy
    But it doesn't matter cuz opinions don't phase me
    Emotions leave you vulnerable
    Confused so my head spins like a turntable
    So I sing songz like I'm ready
    Pour out my heart so I can make her my baby
    Everybody tellin us what we can't be
    But they can't see what I see
    Life is like a movie and she has the part
    Not in wonderland but she's the queen of my heart
    Feelin my heart race tryin not to come in last place
    She got an addictive body wish you get a taste
    Not Gaye so she give me sexual healing
    Ebony and ivory I guess we have mixed feelings

    To be 100% honest with you, I think the bolded lines are the only ones worth keeping in this verse. I think that for a newbie, you're showing some skill in thinking outside the box and you're putting an effort into creating witty punchlines. That puts you ahead of 90% of other new writers. I really like that you're trying to have some depth to your lyrics. But in doing that, you've been committing a lot of clichés that absolutely take away from the good parts of this verse. "Confused so my head spins like a turntable".....c'mon son. You can do so much better than that! I'd like to see more keystyles from you so I can see your growth over time. I think this was a good start, but you'll be better if you stay away from clichés and use a more multisyllabic rhyme scheme.
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