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Kayfabe News Thread

RawAceRawAce Members Posts: 4,800 ✭✭✭✭✭
After waking from a 20-year coma, avid wrestling fan Terry Greer expressed confusion and dismay at the realization that Terra Ryzing wields executive power over World Wrestling Entertainment.

Greer opened his eyes and saw WWE Raw on the television above his hospital bed — a program his family members diligently turned on every Monday night in hopes that it would rouse him from his vegetative slumber.

In a raspy whisper, the long-bearded Greer spoke his first words since 1994: “Is… is… is that… Terra Ryzing?”

He was referring to the sharply dressed Hunter Hearst Helmsley (or Triple-H), Chief Operating Officer of WWE, who briefly portrayed the laughably named Terra Ryzing in the early 1990s.

During his unconscious years, Greer was oblivious to Helmsley’s progression from Terra Ryzing to a snooty Frenchman to a Connecticut blueblood to a main-event star to a 🤬 prankster to a corporate executive.

Greer also expressed shock at a number of other developments that he never could have predicted, and peppered his caregivers with questions:

“There’s a WWE Hall of Fame, and Randy Savage isn’t in it!?”
“Wait, Stunning Steve Austin is considered a legend!?”
“Paul E. Dangerously is considered a mastermind?!”
“Jesse Ventura thinks the world is run by a secret shadow government of Illuminati alien Freemasons?!”


Nobody has yet had the heart to tell Greer that his favorite promotion, WCW, is kaput.

Credit:kayfabe news

Comments

  • RawAceRawAce Members Posts: 4,800 ✭✭✭✭✭
    WWE Home Video announced today its scheduled of upcoming DVD releases, including an unexpected entry called “The Best of Great Khali,” a no-disc box set featuring the wobbly Indian goliath.

    According to a press release issued this morning from WWE’s Connecticut headquarters, the box set will feature: “A collectors’ edition plastic case, a glossy photo of the Great Khali, several flyers advertising other DVDs, and exactly zero discs of Khali in action.”


    According to sources at WWE Home Video, the original plan had been to release a two-disc set — a documentary disc and a second disc of his greatest matches — but those plans were scrapped when it was realized that Khali can neither communicate nor wrestle.

    Khali, a seven-foot-tall Punjabi freak of nature signed to WWE in 2006 amid much fanfare, has failed to attain the superstardom for which he seemed destined.

    Though his enormity seemed to make him a natural monster “heel” (bad guy), he has instead become comic relief buffoon, tottering about on stilt-like legs, often dancing clumsily with a leprechaun and a flatulent Diva.

    According to one reviewer who got an early copy of the no-disc box set, it’s “exactly what fans will want.”

    Credit: kayfabe news
  • RawAceRawAce Members Posts: 4,800 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Fans of professional wrestling were shocked today when a so-called “finishing maneuver” — John Cena’s Attitude Adjustment, or AA — actually lived up to its description by successfully finishing a match on the first try.

    Cena delivered the move to opponent Randy Orton at a non-televised “house show” last night in Tallahassee, and the audience collectively gasped in disbelief when the maneuver was followed by a pin and a three count.


    “Wait, what?” stammered one gobsmacked ringside fan, ill-equipped to process the unusual turn of events. “Wasn’t Orton supposed to kick out of that, and then again later, and at least one more time?”

    In the olden days of professional wrestling (prior to 2013), finishing moves like the AA, the F5 and the Tombstone only needed to be delivered once in order to bring a given match to a close.

    But WWE superstars have, evidence suggests, developed a kind of immunity to finishers — in much the same way that some bacteria become resistant to antibiotics through repeated exposure — and the moves have lost their bout-ending potency.

    Fans were also stunned later on the same show, when a wrestler used the long-obsolete method of saying “I quit” rather than “tapping out” to a submission hold.
  • RawAceRawAce Members Posts: 4,800 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Johnny-Serpent-300x209.jpgq


    Johnny “Snake Eyes” Serpent, a rookie independent wrestler from Dayton, is doggedly pursuing his dream of one day getting “called up” to the main roster of Cleveland Wrestling Alliance (CWA).

    Serpent is currently “paying dues” by setting up the ring and performing in early-card battle royals at monthly CWA shows, hoping to catch the attention of CWA booker Ian “The Boss” McMayhem, who has a discerning eye for up-and-coming talent.


    “If I can just show them what I’ve got, I’m sure I’ll get a push,” said Serpent, who away from the ring is Subway sandwich artist Kevin Reinhart.

    “Until then, I’m keeping my mouth shut and my ears open in the locker room, getting advice from CWA veterans like ‘Uptown’ Max Brown and Pelvis Wrestley. Those guys have climbed the ladder and are making, like, 20 or 30 bucks a night.”

    Although many wrestlers in the central Ohio territory dream of main-event fame in CWA, competition is fierce and few ever get a chance to compete for the coveted CWA World Heavyweight Championship (known affectionately as the “two pounds of aluminum”).

    Though Serpent is determined to become the so-called “Face of CWA,” he admits that, if he doesn’t get his main-roster push, he can always try his backup plan: TNA.
  • RawAceRawAce Members Posts: 4,800 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Summerslam.jpg

    Fans of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) are abuzz today after longtime wrestling journalist Dan Mutzler “absolutely confirmed” that the SummerSlam pay-per-view in August will feature the returns of The Undertaker, Sting, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, and Andre the Giant.

    “These things happen when ratings go down,” Meltzer said on his Wrestling Revealer Radio show, “though the Andre thing has been planned for months.”


    Although WWE has not officially announced any matches or surprise appearances for SummerSlam, dozens of online wrestling journalists whose connections to the company are tenuous at best “guaran-damn-tee” that SummerSlam will see countless implausible surprises.

    According to WWERumorz.net, Andre the Giant — having returned from the grave thanks to the restorative powers of DDP Yoga — will finally do battle with The Big Show, who is expected to turn heel, then face, then heel, then face, then heel again by the time SummerSlam rolls around.

    A Twitter user by the name of @WrestleLeaks_69, meanwhile, confirmed with “110 percent sertainty” that Steve Austin will square off against a returning King Kong Bundy in a hair-versus-hair match.

    WWE has neither confirmed nor denied the rumors, which among wrestling journalists is generally considered a confirmation.
  • RawAceRawAce Members Posts: 4,800 ✭✭✭✭✭
    “Revolutionized” Divas division now features scantily clad women catfighting
    September 13, 2015

    The so-called “Divas Revolution” has utterly transformed the women’s division of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) by introducing the unprecedented concept of attractive women in skimpy clothes calling each other names and fighting.


    “Welcome to the new era of the Divas Division,” proclaimed WWE executive Stephanie McMahon moments before announcing a match pitting milky-skinned vixen Paige against prissy minx Nikki Bella, during which much hair was pulled.

    Among the innovations that have completely revolutionized women’s professional wrestling:

    Divas now deliver backstage interviews in which they hurl petty insults and attack one another
    Divas now tend to have buxom chests and tiny waistlines, all displayed with revealing, tight-fitting spandex
    Divas factions now have clever acronyms, like Team B.A.D. and PCB
    Feuds are tied-in to “reality TV” program Total Divas, on which the women go shopping, squabble, and cry.

    The Divas Revolution is being widely lauded as the greatest triumph for feminism since Baywatch.

    Credit:KayfabeNews

    But this 🤬 is true though rofl
  • RawAceRawAce Members Posts: 4,800 ✭✭✭✭✭
    “Cena sucks,” insists guy who would trade places with Cena in a heartbeat
    September 13, 2015

    World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) superstar John Cena “sucks,” according to 27-year-old footwear salesman Tyler Silcox, who secretly wishes he could be exactly like John Cena.
    Silcox, who frequently derides Cena in online wrestling forums by using the phrase “We’ve Cena Nuff,” dreams nightly about having Cena’s physique, charisma, athletic ability, wealth, girlfriend, altruism, and fame.

    Although he recently mocked a young child for wearing a colorful Cena-themed t-shirt, Silcox regularly performs Cena’s “you can’t see me” gesture in the mirror, and strives to live by Cena’s credo of “hustle, loyalty, respect.”

    Silcox is one of millions of male twenty-somethings around the world who outwardly mock Cena for his goody-two-shoes persona and somewhat predictable ring style, while simultaneously wishing they could be exactly like the wrestler in every conceivable way.

    Silcox also regularly thinks of Cena when, in the privacy of his bedroom, he performs a variation of the five-knuckle shuffle.

    Credit: The IWC
  • RawAceRawAce Members Posts: 4,800 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Cena performs convincing springboard stunner
    September 18, 2015


    At a WWE Live Event in St. Louis, Cena propelled himself off the second ring rope and, while hurtling through the air, grasped the head of opponent King Barrett and plunged downward in a seated three-quarter facelock jawbreaker, or “stunner.”

    Despite all precedent, the move looked crisp, fluid, and devastatingly effective — instead of the silly trampoline act that Cena has hitherto performed around the world.

    Stunned, Barrett careened backwards to the mat, allowing Cena to perform his trademark five-knuckle shuffle — which, as always, looked preposterous.

    In related news, Dean Ambrose recently performed his between-the-ropes-teeter-totter-reboundy maneuver without looking like a complete spaz.

    Credit: Everyone who's been thinkin this for months
  • Peezy_JenkinsPeezy_Jenkins Sion Guests, Members, Writer, Content Producer Posts: 33,205 ✭✭✭✭✭
    lol slick thought i was the only one growing tired of that dean clothesline
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